radio microphone


Something happened
Which set the cat among the pigeons
and fluttered the dovecote

How on earth do we respond?
Armageddon awaits, if we get this wrong!

Let us put a loony up against an expert
Let them both be white and middle aged and male
Let us draw swords and fire the starting gun

Let battle commence:

Peter, this thing that someone Tweeted, that stat which just got quoted,
The court case won or lost, the irreconcilable moral dilemma…

Peter, this is awful.
Isn’t it?
What are those experts playing at?
We’ve got one on the line. Tell us why he’s wrong

–  Well, it’s clearly ludicrous

Give us more

– It’s PC gone mad, a far-right takeover, an act of traitors, a lack of compassion

There you have it, Paul. You’re rubbish

– Well, what I would say is that-

I’m going to interrupt you, Paul, just to wind you up. Are you rubbish or not?

– I don’t think-

Evil, then? Some might go as far as to say Paul is evil.
Peter, would you agree that Paul is evil?

– Worse than.
His life’s work is a threat to the ideology behind my every thought, word and action.
I hate him for that. And so should you

Paul’s right on this, though, isn’t he?
Tuesday does follow Monday?
It *is* air that we breathe?

– Look, let me finish

Go on, then


– You see, this is what we’re up against. Typical bias. I don’t accept his premise and neither do the Hard-Working People of this Country

– He’s got you there, hasn’t he, Paul?
Are you a little bit ashamed?

– Well, no.
As much as I respect Peter-

Paul is not even a little bit ashamed.
In his own words, Peter, Paul is shameless.
What do you say to that?
Any other characteristic you care to accuse him of having/failing to have?

– No wonder weapon sales have rocketed.
No wonder people are stock-piling.
No wonder people resent this kind of blatant treachery.

-May I interrupt with some quite dull statistics that are, as far as possible, an accurate reflection of the true picture?

– Those are all wrong

Paul, Peter says…
Peter, Paul says…
‘Peter,’ says Paul…
They’re both mad, aren’t they, Laura?
Tell us how we’re all doomed

– That’s right, John and Nick and Justin. We are, as both Peter and Paul said and or didn’t say, we are, absolutely, in all likelihood, maybe not, doomed.


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